Adventures in the World of Warcraft
by Kyrandis
Summary: Obviously, World of Warcraft is much more important than paperwork. Thank whatever deity led Ed to introduce Roy to this game. Too bad Riza doesn't see things their way. Continuous related drabble/oneshot series.
1. Recruit A Friend

**A/N: WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN-  
Ahem. Hi. Yeah, this idea has been floating around in my head for...a couple weeks, I guess. XD I dunno if there are other stories like this one out there, but this is one story I'm writing for my own amusement, ahahaha.**

**Obviously this is somewhat AU, so here's the stuff you'll need to know:  
Roy Mustang is Fuhrer.  
Edward Elric is a Colonel.  
Al has his body back.  
At the moment, I've decided that Hughes will probably be alive.  
They have computers. Obviously. XD**

**Normally I wouldn't like so many plot holes in a setting, but like I said, this is for my own amusement.**

**Also, I'll be trying to keep as much "chatroom format" text out of this story as I can. Obviously there will probably be times where I have to include it, but...yeah.**

**Yes, Ed and the gang play Alliance. Not because they're stereotypical "good guys." I like both Alliance and Horde, and it took me a long time to figure out what to make everyone. xD  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist nor World of Warcraft.  
**

* * *

**_Chapter 1: Recruit-A-Friend_**

It was another quiet day in Central Headquarters. Fuhrer Mustang sighed heavily as his pen dashed along the paper, signing his name for the thousandth time that day.

"There. Finally done." He placed the paper on his completed stack and grinned rather stupidly at the other corner of his desk, where the paperwork that still needed to be completed usually sat. Today, the corner was empty. Roy had finally caught up with all of his paperwork. Not only caught up, but also got ahead and finished every single piece of paperwork.

It was a miracle. It was wonderful. To have no more paperwork. He was free. He could do whatever he wanted...!

...he had absolutely nothing to do.

A soft sound and an alert on his laptop screen showed that Roy had received an email. Lazily, he dragged his mouse across the screen to check the mail. Glancing at the sender, he mused quietly to himself, "Hm, wonder what Fullmetal wants?"

The email read:

_Fuhrer Bastard—I mean Roy Mustang,_

_Hey! How come you haven't promoted me to your office yet? Do you hate me that much? Because I **hate**_ _having my own office. It SUCKS!_

_But anyways, I didn't email you to complain about that (this time). You should be receiving a little gift from me soon. It's this badass game I've gotten into playing recently (since you haven't been sending me on any missions lately) called "World of Warcraft" (as well as the expansion packs "Burning Crusade" and "Wrath of the Lich King"). Al and Winry play, too. Give it a try! You should have received another email in addition to this one, a "Recruit-a-Friend" from Blizzard Entertainment. It'll benefit both of us, and make stuff easier for you as a new member._

_I've conveniently given you links to some websites that'll explain the basics of the game and such for you at the end of the email. Check them out if you want, but I'll help you out, too. But you'd better make a Draenei, 'cause Draenei are badass. You could make a mage! Specialize in fire! Haha. You pyromaniac._

_I'm coming up to your office later, okay? After I finish all this damn paperwork. Just a warning, the installation might take a long time._

_See you soon._

– _Ed _

_P.S. Paperwork blows. Why'd you make me a Colonel, dammit._

_P.P.S. I know you're probably thinking it's all really stupid, but I swear to you it's fun. Please, please, please join? (We need another dps!) I'll, um...I'll give you in-game gold and buy you bags and stuff!_

_(-links to several WoW sites here-)_

Roy opened the second email, which was from the company that produced the game, Blizzard Entertainment, informing him that he'd been invited to join World of Warcraft through the Recruit-a-Friend program by one Edward Elric. He only had time to "Hmmm" to himself thoughtfully before there was a knock on his door.

"Enter!" he called, sensing that he knew who it was, and why they had come.

As he suspected, it was Riza Hawkeye. She strode over to his desk with a parcel in her hands. "I have a delivery for you from Edward," she said.

"Thank you, General," Roy replied, taking the package. "Will you take this paperwork?" he asked, indicating his completed stack of papers.

"Of course," she answered, obviously pleased that the Fuhrer had actually managed to complete all of his paperwork. She took the mound of papers into her arms and left.

Roy returned his attention to the package in his hands. He tore the plain brown packing paper open to reveal three boxes—World of Warcraft, Burning Crusade, and Wrath of the Lich King.

He looked over each one, reading the text covering the boxes. He had to admit that his curiosity was peaked. "Well," he told himself. "It couldn't hurt to give it a go. I can always delete it later." With that thought in mind, he slipped the first CD into his laptop to begin the long installation process.

* * *

**A/N: Currently, this story is tentatively set as an ongoing drabble/oneshot series about their ~*adventures*~ in the World...of Warcraft. Plot? What plot?**


	2. Zul'Farrak

**A/N: Chapter two~ Wasn't that a nice, fast update? I expect I'll update a lot in the beginning, then it'll slow down for irregular updates.  
The other members of Roy's team will be joining eventually, but for now it's just gonna be Roy, Ed, Al, and Winry.  
**

* * *

_**Chapter 2: Zul'Farrak**_

Whistling to himself, Ed strolled down the halls of Central Headquarters, holding his laptop tucked under his arm as he went. It was afternoon (his workday ended early this Friday), and he was on his way to Fuhrer's office, where Roy was hopefully installing World of Warcraft and its two expansion packs.

_And if he decided to ignore my little gift, I'll just have to use some...violent persuasion, _he thought, somewhat amusedly, to himself.

His group really needed another damage dealer. With Ed playing a tank, and Winry healing, Alphonse was the only one in the group who did the DPS. He would have preferred a solid, dependable 5-man group, but for now he'd settle with just one additional member. It wasn't good to rely on strangers picked up from the Looking For Group tool all the time, and Ed much preferred playing with people he knew.

Finally reaching the office, Ed threw the door open and bounced into the room. "Heya, Mustang!" he greeted cheerfully. "I hope you've installed WoW already, 'cause if you haven't, I'm gonna beat you up."

Roy looked up from his desk. "Wrath of the Lich King is still installing," he informed the younger alchemist. "I'm reading the game manual right now."

"Pfft!" Ed waved his hand flippantly. "Game manuals are for losers. You can figure it out as you go. Anyways, you ever seen anyone play WoW before?" he asked, plopping down on the couch and setting his laptop up on the coffee table.

"No," Roy admitted, walking over to join Ed. "I've actually only heard of the game a few times before."

"Heh, then let me show you some ass-kicking action! Winry and I were gonna run Al's alt through ZF."

"Alt? ZF?" Roy echoed, confused.

Ed sighed patiently. "Alternate character. You have a main character that you predominantly play, and then you have your alternate characters, alts for short. I actually only have one character right now, but Al likes making a bunch of different characters—no idea why. His main's a hunter, though. And Zul'Farrak is a dungeon. I assume you've read about those?"

Roy nodded in affirmation.

"Good." Ed opened World of Warcraft and logged onto his account. His warrior, a Draenei named 'Fullmetal' showed up on the character selection screen.

"Very original name you have there."

"Shuddup."

Ed logged on, and immediately a box popped up on the screen saying, "Autowrench has invited you to join a group." Ed hit the 'accept' button. His character joined the party, and lines of text filled the bottom of his screen.

[Party][CatAlyst]: I think he said something about Fuhrer Mustang giving him a lot of paperwork.

[Party][CatAlyst]: Oh, here he is. Hi!

[Party][Autowrench]:Well, it's about time! We were gonna leave without you!

[Party][CatAlyst]: Did you finish all of your work, Brother?

Smirking at the screen, Ed typed, 'Ah, but what would you do without a tank? And of course I finished all my work. Have a little faith.'

"What's a tank?" Roy asked.

"You didn't read that? Geez." Ed shook his head. "The tank takes all the hits for the rest of the group."

"That's very noble of you," Roy teased.

"Oh, shut up, Mustang," grumbled Ed. "It's just a game. Anyways, it's the healer's job to keep the tank alive. The DPS—which stands for damage per second—deal the most damage, so they take down the mob. Of course, the tank does damage, too, just not as much, and not as quickly."

He looked back at the screen, where Winry had typed a response: 'Whatever. At least you had the sense to fly down here before logging out. Now get over to the instance. And get on Vent!'

"Ventrilo," Ed said before Roy had a chance to ask. "It's a program so we can talk to each other instead of typing. Makes things easier when we're running a dungeon. 'Course we have to pay to have a server on it," he sighed. He opened the program and connected to their server.

"Hey, guys," he said.

"Hi, Ed!" came Winry's voice through the computer speakers.

"Hey, Brother."

"Guess what!" Ed said joyfully as he started running his character down to Zul'Farrak.

"What?" asked Al and Winry simultaneously.

"I got us a new DPS!" Ed answered triumphantly. "Mustang's gonna play with us!"

Al and Winry cheered.

"Also, I'm in the office with him," Ed added belatedly. "Say hi."

"Hiya."

"Good afternoon, sir," Al greeted respectfully.

"Hello, Alphonse, Winry," said Roy.

Al started to ask Roy how he was, but Ed cut him off, guiding his character into the instance, and announcing, "And I am here!"

"Took you long enough," Winry yawned. "I already started clearing some of the trash mobs."

At Roy's questioning look, Ed responded, "The monsters that aren't the bosses. You know what, why don't you bring your laptop here and read some of the links I emailed you? I don't feel like explaining things every five seconds."

With a shrug, Roy went to get his laptop from the desk.

"I can help explain stuff if you want," Al offered. "I won't be able to kill anything, so I'll just be following Ed and Winry around."

"Hah, with my epic gear, I'll sweep through this dungeon in a few minutes!"

"Oh, yes, Brother," said Al amusedly. "Where would you be without your precious gear?"

"What? It's not just about the gear. It's about the skill. Heck, I bet I could tank this thing without any armor on!"

"Really? I dare you to."

"Why are you trying to give the healer more work?" Winry complained, but Ed was already removing all the armor from his Draenei.

"Alright, let's do this, EDWAAAAAAAAAARD ELRIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

"Leeroy Jenkins jokes are so last year, Brother."

"Shut the hell up."

And so they ran the instance, Ed making stupid remarks and boring them all with the story and lore behind Zul'Farrak as they went, Winry complaining about how she had to heal him ten times more because of his lack of gear, and Al explaining the basics of the game to Roy.

"Okay, we're finally at the last boss!" Ed announced. "Gahz'rilla! Ready or not, here we go!" And he banged on the gong.

A giant hydra monster thing appeared from the water and Ed made his character start punching it.

_'Ring, ring, ring.'_

"Oh—crap! Sorry, I need to get that," Winry cried. "I'm expecting a really important call. Be right back!"

There was the sound of footsteps as Winry dashed off.

"WAIT, WINRY! HEAL ME!" Ed yelled. "THE TANK NEEDS HEALS! HEALS! I'M DYIIIIING! DAMMIT, I CAN'T EQUIP ARMOR WHILE IN COMBAT! WINRY, WINRY YOU JACKASS GET BACK HERE!"

Al tried desperately to heal Ed, but being a level 30-something (40?) druid, he couldn't do much for a level 80 warrior.

"WINRY! WINRY!" Ed shrieked. "HEAL ME! HEAL ME! THE TANK IS GOING DOWN, GODDAMMIT!"

"I'm out of mana!" cried Al frantically. "Don't you have any potions?"

"NO!" Ed started mashing buttons random buttons on his action bar. "DAMMIT, WINRY. GET BACK OVER HERE! I'M DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!" He started to try running out of the instance. "SAVE YOURSEEEELF!"

"Well, if you say so!" said Al, shifting into cat form and dashing away.

"I changed my mind, COME SAVE ME!" yelled Ed angrily as Fullmetal started chasing after CatAlyst. His character rounded a corner. "OH, SHIT, ADDS."

A breathless voice came through the speakers. "Okay, I'm back!"

"WINRY, WINRY, COME HEAL ME! THE TANK NEEDS HEALS!"

"Wait, where'd you run off to?" Winry asked crossly.

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Well, how am I supposed to heal you if I don't know where you are?"

"OH, GOD, HELP ME, WINRY! HEAL MEEEE—"

_Fullmetal has died._

"GODDAMMIT."

"STOP YELLING!" shouted Winry. "My God, Ed, I can't concentrate with you yelling like that." Locating Ed, she killed Gahz'Rilla, then resurrected Ed's character.

"That's it," growled Ed. "I am _done _with this warrior."

Al gasped. "But—Brother, you can't! You know we need a tank!"

"It's fine, Al, I'll still be a tank. But I need something that can heal myself—if only for a little while—when a certain healer excuses herself before we finish the damn fight!"

"Tanks don't heal, Brother," Al pointed out sensibly.

"True, but paladins do!" Ed shot back. "I'm rerolling...a bubble warrior!"

* * *

**A/N: I needed a reason for Ed to reroll so he could level with Roy for the Recruit-A-Friend bonuses. The above is the result of that. XD  
Also, have you ever tried to explain WoW to a new joiner? It's not fun. Kudos to Al for having the patience to explain stuff to Roy while Ed and Winry run his druid through ZF.  
**


	3. Create a Character

**A/N: Do you think I update too much? I like to write this. It's fun. XD  
By the way, I don't think I'm going to incorporate any pairings into this. Most likely gonna keep everything friendship.**

**This chapter completes the 'Roy joins WoW' story "arc." No real WoW-playing in this chapter, but starting from the next chapter, there will be lots more World of Warcraft-y goodness!**

* * *

_**Chapter 3: Create a Character**_

Roy and Ed pressed up against the wall of the office, cornered and holding their hands in the air.

"What," snarled Riza dangerously, "is the meaning of all this yelling?"

"U-um." Ed swallowed nervously. "That was...I just..."

"If you are finished with your work, then go home," Riza ordered.

Roy shifted nervously from foot to foot. "But, ah, my work hours haven't ended yet, and Fullmetal was..."

"The noise is disruptive," Riza stated icily. "Since you have completed your paperwork, you may leave early."

If Roy's brain had been present at the moment, he would have reminded Riza that _he _was the Fuhrer here, thank you very much. Unfortunately, being confronted by an angry Riza could chase the intelligence out of nearly anyone, so the man just mumbled an apology and an "Okay."

Satisfied, Riza left, warning Roy that there would be a fresh stack of paperwork for him come Monday.

After making sure that Riza wasn't waiting outside the door for them to make the slightest of noises, Ed bounced around excitedly as Roy gathered his things. "Come over to my place for a while," he urged. "We need to make you a character and finally get you started on WoW!"

"Why _your _place?" asked Roy. "Why don't you come to my house instead?"

"Any reason why?"

"Two reasons," answered Roy, holding up two fingers to emphasize the point. "One, you still live in the military dorms. Those rooms are _tiny. _And, two..." He grinned. "Have you ever seen the Fuhrer estate?"

* * *

"Holy shi—" Ed stared out the window. He nearly dropped his laptop, and he was pretty sure his jaw hit the floor of the car. "You live _here?"_

"Yep," Roy answered a bit smugly, parking the car.

Ed shook his head disbelievingly as he stepped onto the driveway, then said, "Hey, Mustang?"

"Hm?"

"Adopt me."

"...pardon?"

"Adopt me," Ed repeated.

Not quite sure where Ed was going with this, Roy replied exasperatedly, "Edward, you realize that you will be a legal adult in one year, right?"

"And I don't really give a shit. How come you have this freaking huge house that only _you _live in? Meanwhile, I've got a dinky little military dorm room. That's not fair. NOT. FAIR."

"What, so you want me to adopt you so you can invade my house?"

"Pretty much."

"Sorry, not gonna happen."

"Jerk," grumbled Ed as he stalked up to the door.

"My house," Roy reminded him, unlocking the door. "I get the final say in the matter."

Ed snorted. "Whatever."

Roy led Ed to the living room, where they set up their laptops so Roy could finally start playing. After watching Ed's endeavors in Zul'Farrak earlier that day, Roy was eager to give the game a try.

"Okay, I am making a Draenei paladin," Ed said. "You're gonna make a Draenei, too, for two reasons. One: Recruit-A-Friend bonuses. We're gonna be leveling together, so we might as well make the same race. Two: Draenei are badass. Enough said."

"How did I know that was going to be your second reason?" Roy sighed.

"Because I mentioned it in the email?" Ed suggested cheekily.

Ed logged onto his account and quickly created a character, a Draenei paladin named "Ednormous."

"I must say, that's a very interesting name. I wonder what inspired it?"

"I wonder why you won't _shut up_?" Ed responded as he went to the Create-A-Character screen on Roy's account.

Roy smirked, then turned to look at his laptop screen. "Oh, look," he remarked casually. "You can be a gnome in this game."

"Shut up," growled Ed.

"I've read about paid race changes," Roy continued. "Maybe you should—"

"_Shut up!"_

Chuckling to himself, Roy customized his new Draenei character, a mage, like Ed had suggested—or rather, requested. "What should I name him?" he asked after completing his customization.

"Hmm...whatever you want. You can try the randomizer if you want ideas."

Shrugging, Roy hit the randomize button. "Eksos. Eh, no. Dareus. Beros. What kind of name is 'Paephriuun'?"

"I dunno. The randomizer has different naming patterns depending on the race. I think double-vowel letters are common in Draenic names."

Roy kept clicking. "Haal, Irian... I don't, Ed, some of these names are kind of...strange."

"Well, how about a name that reflects yourself?" Ed suggested.

"Yes, because Ednormous describes you so well," Roy said sarcastically.

"Shut up, Mustang! It's a perfect name." Ed crossed his arms. "Anyways, you can tell Ednormous and Fullmetal are me. Al's characters usually have 'Cat' or 'Al' in their names, sometimes both, like in 'CatAlyst.' I dunno if Winry has a naming pattern for her characters, though."

"Hm...so a name that reflects me..." Roy mused.

A grin split across Ed's face. "I have an idea." He leaned forward to type into the name box.

When Ed leaned back, Roy looked at the screen. Visibly attempting to suppress a smile, he said, "Funny. Truly. Your sense of humor is astounding, Fullmetal."

"You know you like it Besides, it suits you perfectly." Ed stuck out his tongue, then, without waiting for Roy's consent, he clicked the button to create the character.

In a few seconds, Roy's first character was displayed proudly on the Character Selection screen—a level 1 Draenei mage named 'Pyroymaniac.'

Ed guided the cursor to hover over the 'Enter World' button, then withdrew. "You do the honors."

Smiling foolishly, Roy tapped the mouse and watched as the loading screen popped up.

And so began Roy's adventures in the World...of Warcraft.

* * *

**A/N: Haha, I made a punny. Pyroymaniac! My sister suggested "Pyroy." I thought it looked weird, so I made it "Pyroymaniac." xD By the way, those randomized names I really did get from the randomizer. I also got "Laama" and a few other strange names. xD**


	4. Aggro Issues, Herb Issues

**A/N: Sorry for not updating, like...all week. I have chapter ideas; I just need to get around to writing them. xD**

**Taranova: Yes, that was a South Park reference lol. I just like to say "...in the World...of Warcraft." XD  
**

* * *

_**Chapter 4: Aggro Issues, Herb Issues**_

"God_dammit, _Mustang," seethed Ed impatiently for about the fifteenth time. "_I'm _the tank!"

"But the mob is far away. I can pull it with my spells, then you can get it off me," Roy explained reasonably.

"I don't get a taunt until level sixteen!" Ed complained. "Just let me pull them."

"Honestly," sighed Roy, "we're level _eight. _What could kill us?"

Ed wrung his hands."But I need to get as much practice in as early as possible!"

"Your warrior was a tank."

"So? Paladins are _totally_ different."

"I thought it was the same concept?"

"Just let me pull them," grumbled Ed for the second time, obviously unwilling to admit defeat.

He looked back at his WoW screen. The first thing he noticed was his chatbox, which read _'Autowrench has come online.'_

"Look, Winry will tell you what I mean!" said Ed triumphantly, inviting Autowrench to their party.

A few seconds later, he received a whisper.

[Autowrench] whispers: ...Ed?  
To [Autowrench]: Yup. Introducing Ednormous, your new tank!  
[Autowrench] whispers: Are you serious...

_Autowrench has joined the party._

[Party][Autowrench]: My God, you have no naming sense.  
[Party][Autowrench]: Who's Pyroymaniac?

Ed snickered.

Roy threw the game manual at his head.

[Party][Ednormous]: Pyroy is Mustang.  
[Party][Autowrench]: …  
[Party][Ednormous]: Roy Mustang? Flame Alchemist?  
[Party][Autowrench]: …  
[Party][Autowrench]: OH. I get it. Heh.  
[Party][Pyroymaniac]: Thank Fullmetal here for my -wonderful- name. /eyeroll  
[Party][Ednormous]: Oi! That's not what I wanted to discuss. Winry, tell Mustang that he should let me pull the mobs 'cause I'm the tank.

There was no response for a minute. Then Winry typed a reply.

[Party][Autowrench]: ...Ed?  
[Party][Ednormous]: Yeah?  
[Party][Autowrench]: You guys are level EIGHT.  
[Party][Ednormous]: So?  
[Party][Autowrench]: What does it matter at this point?  
[Party][Pyroymaniac]: Thank you for understanding, Miss Winry.

"Ugh, I should have known she would be no help," muttered Ed. Annoyed, he typed 'Never mind' into the chat and continued to attack the mobs he and Roy needed to kill complete their quest.

Mere minutes later, however, a new problem arose.

"Hey! That was _my _peacebloom!" Ed yelped as Roy looted the herb.

"Pardon?" asked Roy. "I reached it first, therefore it's _mine."_

"No way!" protested Ed hotly. "I saw it first!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did too."

"Did not—wait!" Ed cried belatedly as he realized his mistake. Fuming, he asked, "Why do we both have professions that require herbalism, again?"

"_You're _the one who told me to pick up herbalism and inscription," Roy pointed out with a shrug. "It's not my fault you decided to make your paladin an alchemist."

"Well, we needed a scribe! Anyways, alchemy is the best profession ever."

"Whatever. Let's just finish this quest."

Scowling, Ed directed his character to another mob and started attacking it. They managed to quest in peace for another few minutes, then Roy took another herb that Ed's character was running for.

"Mustang, you're a damn bastard."

"I try," replied Roy, smirking, as he looted yet another peacebloom that Edward hadn't spotted.

"ARGH! Okay, let's settle this like _men!" _Ed yelled.

"By that you mean...?"

Ed right-clicked Pyroymaniac's character portrait and challenged him to a duel. "By dueling!"

Roy shrugged and accepted the challenge. "Whatever you say, O Wise One."

The duel started.

As Ed had forgotten to close the distance between his character and Roy's, Pyroymaniac managed to hit Ednormous with a few fireballs before the paladin got close enough to hit him with Judgment of Light.

Duels between low levels were hardly entertaining. As neither of them had many abilities yet, it mostly consisted of Ed auto-hitting Roy and Roy blasting him with spells and whacking him with his staff. There came a time when Ed nearly defeated his opponent, only to find himself polymorphed.

"What the—why the hell are you drinking a potion?" Ed screeched. "Who the hell wastes precious potions in a _duel?"_

"Just make more afterwards," Roy suggested. An evil idea struck him, and he led Ed towards one of the aggressive mobs nearby, grinning triumphantly as Ed aggroed the monster.

"Ah, crap!" Ed glared at the man sitting next to him. "You did that on purpose!" he accused, stabbing a finger at Roy.

"I did nothing of the sort," Roy defended himself, not looking up from his screen. "Hm, it looks like I've won the duel."

Ed looked back at his laptop. "God—" The mob he had aggroed while fighting Roy killed him. "—dammit."

[Party][Autowrench]: How come you didn't heal?

"..."

"Oh, yes, paladins can heal, can't they?" Roy asked innocently, as if he'd only just remembered.

"...God freaking dammit."

* * *

**A/N: Sometimes you just get too used to your class that when you try to play another, you get all messed up. Like when I run in to melee range on a hunter. Or heal on a rogue. Yeah, that won't work.  
I don't remember if there are any 'aggressive' mobs by level 8, what with how much easier Blizz is making the lower levels. So if there isn't, sorry! Excuse my inconsistency since I haven't been keeping up that much recently. I'm actually on hiatus from WoW right now.**

**As a side note, Ed leaves Roy's house shortly after this chapter ends. So the next chapter will take place, uh...the next day?  
**


	5. ERPshire

**A/N: At long last, an update! Sorry I've been so slow. Also, I lied at the end of my previous author's note. This takes place a week later, not the next day. I changed what the chapter was going to be about because a partially-written chapter was sitting on my flash drive forever and just didn't want to get written. So you get this instead!**

**This chapter is in Al's PoV. C:  
Also, I so did not proofread this.**

* * *

_**Chapter 5: ERPshire**_

**A week later...**

Al stared at his computer screen and sighed. Ever since Ed had RAF'd Roy and rerolled a paladin, he and Winry hadn't been running any dungeons. So Al was bored. So. Freaking. Bored. He'd already maxed out all of his main character's professions, gotten a bunch of achievements, _hit the god dang freaking gold cap _(214,748 gold, 36 silver, 48 copper),and leveled quite a few alternate characters.

What else was there to do? Al didn't feel like PvP'ing; it was no fun without Ed's 'leet' skills and strategizing (Al swore he never, ever lost a battleground when he went with Ed; Ed said he had a bad memory and they only won when the stupid team actually _listened _to him. Ed wanted to gather enough reliable players to "roflstomp," as he called it, the battlegrounds with premades someday.)

So that left the one thing Alphonse had never before attempted to do: Roleplaying.

It sounded fun enough, maybe not something he'd want to do _all _the time when he played WoW, but, you know, maybe something when he needed a break from all the farming or dungeon-running. He wasn't too big on lore, though, but Ed would surely help him. No one, Al decided, was as big of a lore nut as his brother. He had actually bought all of the Warcraft novels—and Al had never seen him read anything but alchemy texts!

Al brought up his idea during a lull in the group's conversation over Ventrilo.

"I think I might roll a character on an RP realm."

There was a short silence, then Ed exclaimed, "_WHAT?_"

"Yeah, I think it would be a good idea," continued Al. "After all, we can't run any more instances until you and Roy (Roy had quickly gotten annoyed with the way Al insisted on calling him 'Fuhrer Mustang,' and pestered the poor guy until he stopped.) hit 80, and...well, I'm bored."

"Why don't you level your alts?" Winry suggested.

"Already did."

"Max out your professions?" Roy tried.

"Done."

Ed hmmed thoughtfully. "Farm herbs for Mustang and me."

"I must have mailed you enough to max out either your alchemy or Roy's inscription."

"Dibs!" called Ed.

"I'll get more later, Roy," Al added apologetically. "I'm just really tired of farming right now."

"That's quite alright, Alphonse," Roy replied. "Don't trouble yourself over it."

"Whatever. Just don't roll on a roleplaying realm, Al," groaned Ed.

"And why not?"

"Because," Ed sighed, "I've tried before. Trust me. It's not worth it."

"I'm gonna give it a go," said Al resolutely, and logged out of his character. He scrolled down the realm list and picked one of the popular roleplaying realms.

"What race should I be?" he asked.

Ed answered immediately. "Human. Then you'll see much quicker why this is a bad idea. I'm sorry you didn't believe me, though. I mean, when I tried, man, I was scarred for life, it was so horrible," he rambled on for a few seconds more until Winry told him to shut up and Roy told him to hurry up and turn in his quest.

Al wasn't sure what Ed was talking about, but he made a human anyways, a warrior named "Cathmor" (which supposedly meant 'a great warrior,' but it had 'cat' in it, which was all that mattered to Alphonse). "Okay, here I go!" he said excitedly as he logged onto his newly-created character.

"I guess I should fill you in on how to make a roleplaying character while you level up," Ed decided. "In case you, you know, decide to actually go through with this. First off, for the love of all that is holy, please do not make your character related to Jaina, Arthas, Illidan, or any other important lore figure. Oh, and no part- or full-dragon. _Please. _And no werewolves, vampires, or other mythical creatures that don't exist in the WoW universe._"_

"Brother!" said Al, sounding affronted. "As if I would do that!"

"You'd be surprised how many people do," snorted Ed. "I'm just making sure, you know. Secondly, don't make your character all-powerful. And make sure their personality has some goddamn depth." He muttered something under his breath that Al didn't quite catch, something about someone named Mary Sue.

"'Kay."

"And don't forget to not—"

"Fullmetal."

"Whaaat?"

"You're dying."

"Oh, crap. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO SOONER?"

"I wanted to see how long it would take you to notice," answered Roy. "But if you died, I'd probably die, too."

Al could picture Ed scowling angrily at his laptop. Smiling to himself, he said, "Don't forget to not what?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah. Don't break the fourth wall."

"What's that?" Al asked.

"Uhh..." Ed hesitated as he tried to find words to explain. "Breaking the fourth wall is when... It's when you...break character. Like...an example would be your character knows he's in a game."

Al pondered his brother's words. "I get it, I think."

"Before you get too into this roleplaying thing, I think you'd better head over to coughERPshirecough _Goldshire_ first," cautioned Ed.

"What was that?" Winry asked, randomly joining the conversation again.

"Nothing, Winry," said Ed. "Wanna come run me an' Mustang through Sunken Temple? 'Cause there's no way I'm gonna try and find a group for it."

"Oh geez, you know how much I hate that hellhole."

"Everyone does. But I hear it's gonna be a lot better come Cataclysm."

"Let's wait till then to run you two."

"Haha. No. Now, come on, already."

"Ugh, fine. You'd better pay me for this."

"Ten gold," Ed offered.

"Per boss."

"WHAT."

"You heard me."

"Aaaal," pleaded Ed.

Alphonse sighed heavily. "You seriously need to make a gold-farming character."

"I will. A Death Knight. Later! I'll pay you back, don't worry," Ed added hastily.

"Fine. I'll mail you the gold, Winry."

"Thank you! You're my favorite brother, Al!"

"I'm your _only _brother."

"Favorite sibling, then."

"I'm your only sibling."

"What about Winry?"

"She doesn't count."

"And why not?"

"Never mind." Al continued to quest while Ed gave him some random pointers on roleplaying.

After a short amount of time, he finished all of the Northshire Abbey quests. "I'm going to Goldshire now," he informed the others.

"Good luck," snickered Ed, and Al wondered, not for the first time, what could be so bad about Goldshire. Sure, it was a duelist hotspot (and, well, just a hotspot in general) on their regular realm, but it really wasn't _too _bad.

Al ran his character to Goldshire, following the road. When he arrived, he could see a few characters milling around outside. Okay, nothing new there, except that these people were probably roleplayers. Out of courtesy for the roleplayers, Al hit the key that made his avatar walk rather than run (he hadn't even known such a key existed until Ed had informed him of it) before entering the Goldshire inn.

Luckily for Al, his gasp and strangled noise of surprise was effectively drowned out by Winry's outraged yell.

"WHERE THE HELL IS THAT STUPID SHIELD WARD? EDWARD ELRIC, LEARN HOW TO READ A MAP!"

Winry actually didn't yell that much, but when she did yell, she was _pissed. _And the victim of her frustration was almost always Ed.

"I DID!" Ed retorted. "LOOK AT THE GODDAMN MAP YOURSELF IF YOU'RE SO GOOD!"

Ed, on the other hand, just yelled a lot in general.

"YOU'RE ALREADY AT WOWHEAD, SO WHY SHOULD I?"

"BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ A MAP!"

"I found him," Roy stated calmly.

Alphonse, however, wasn't paying attention to the conversation. He was too busy gaping at his chat log. "Wha—what the—WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Alphonse _never _yelled (or cursed, for that matter) unless he was very, very upset about something very, very serious.

Or, apparently, if his mind was being scarred by the erotic roleplaying in Goldshire.

"So, it seems as if you, too, have now seen the horrors of ERPshire firsthand," sighed Ed. "It was terrible for me, too, don't worry. I'm never going back to a roleplay realm ever again."

"..."

"Al?"

"..."

"Al...Alphonse. _Tear your eyes away from the screen. _Stop _reading it, _dammit!"

"..."

"...Al, did you die?"

"Uh—uh—s-sorry," stuttered Al. "It was just...so...that was horrifying." Al tore his eyes away from the chat log, disgusted, and promptly logged out.

"And that," declared Ed, "is why a lore nerd such as myself does not play on a roleplaying realm." He paused, then added, "Well, that and the fact that I like to raid, and progression on most RP servers is ridiculously slow."

"Well...I need to do something to remove those disturbing images from my mind," coughed Al. "Maybe some mind-numbing grinding...hit the gold cap on another three characters perhaps."

"_What has been seen...cannot be unseen_,"whispered Ed dramatically.

Al made a whining sound.

"But I can lend you some mind bleach if you give me some gold. Did you seriously hit the gold cap?"

"You don't _have _mind bleach because it doesn't _exist. _And, yes, I did hit the gold cap because you're being ridiculously slow at leveling. You have recruit-a-friend bonuses; why aren't you two eighty yet?" Al didn't complain often, but he was seriously bored here.

"General Hawkeye, ah..." Ed trailed off.

"Is a horror and any attempts to play WoW in my office will result in a bullet through my head," supplied Roy.

"We'll be level eighty by next week, just watch!" Ed said confidently. "We can sneak on. And, besides, _I _can log on any time I like."

"I'll be sure to send Riza down to your office to make sure your paperwork is completed," Roy said.

"What? You can't do that!"

"I am the Fuhrer. I can do whatever I want."

"Abuse of power," muttered Ed. "So, Al!" he said, changing the topic. "What did we learn today?"

"RP realms are evil places?"

"No. Just Goldshire. And Silvermoon City if you're Horde. What you _should _have learned was that you should always, always listen to your older brother, because he's always right. Andyoushouldgivehimgold."

"Whatever, Brother."

* * *

**A/N: I'm not hating on RPers (heck, I AM one) or anything, but I'm sure most people familiar with RP realms know Goldshire and Silvermoon City's reputations. xDD Luckily, my RP realm is relatively quiet, and Goldshire isn't the infamous ERPshire (ERP = erotic roleplaying) it is on other realms (though I've heard Blizz is taking steps to control that on Moon Guard?). If you need clarification on any part, feel free to leave a review or PM me or something. I might edit the chapter to clarify or I might not, but I'll reply to you either way. :D**


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